When we end a romantic relationship, we don’t want anything to distract us from our grieving process.
The truth is that breakups are difficult for both, and starting over always requires a lot of work.
But when your ex-partner tries to come back, after having left you, it is inevitable that he will not revolutionize you, at least a little.
However, there are a number of things you need to know to handle this situation and to remember who you are right now.
Because the right person for you today might not have been right for you in the past and vice versa.
10 things you need to know about dealing with your ex when he wants to come back
1) No reactions: everything will work out
Seeing an ex return can spark a storm of emotions within you.
In that moment of revolution, it is important that you do everything possible to control your mind and give yourself the space to think things through calmly.
The grieving process is a difficult experience, and you may feel angry or sad, or altogether.
He might still be constantly on your mind, and the affection you felt for him probably hasn’t disappeared.
This is because the breakdown of your relationship with him has broken the emotional balance you had before.
If he tells you that he wants to come back, instead of reacting with fury or aggressiveness, you should only be on your guard.
He has the right to show you if he really is a different person than he was before. He’s trying to do what’s best for himself and for you.
2) Take a deep scan of your emotions
Sometimes when a person leaves you, you feel as if something has broken inside you.
But in others you may not have felt much, maybe you were even relieved that he was the one who made the decision.
So, it’s important that you focus on yourself right now. Be honest with yourself and do a complete review of your emotions.
- How were you before the breakup with your partner?
- How did it feel to hear that he wanted to separate?
- How did you experience the grief of the relationship? Have you finished it?
- Do you feel that you are better off alone or with him?
Understanding your emotions will be key when deciding whether you should give it a chance or not.
3) Don’t make a decision until you feel good about yourself
If he really wants to come back with you, he will give you the time you need. Then you must take it.
Work on your self-esteem, start taking care of yourself more and start doing new things.
There is nothing more important than yourself right now.
Many times being in a couple makes us neglect a little, so this is your chance to find your best version again.
Get back that life you enjoyed so much before being with him.
And if once you feel full and happy, you still want to go back to him, then you will know that it is the right decision.
4) Ask him why he wants to come back
And don’t settle for a simplistic answer like: “Because I love you.”
Your emotions are at stake, so you must assert them.
If you are really considering returning to your ex, you should first sit down with him to have a deep and sincere talk.
Ask him to be honest with you and tell you about the emotions and situations that made him want to separate.
Ask him what has changed and what makes him want to go back. Then they can understand if he really still loves you that way.
Understand where you are doing it, do you think you really feel that you were wrong and that you can change things? Or maybe you feel lonely and want to get back to the familiar and comfortable? I know, it won’t be easy, but you have to have awkward chatter to make things work later.
Two things could happen:
- That you understand their differences, feel that the love between you is greater, and can begin to work on a new relationship.
- That both realize that they love each other, but it is best to continue their paths separately
5) Analyze the reasons for the separation
Every relationship is composed of 3 parts, you, him and “the couple”.
So, having reflected on how you feel and where he is, it’s time to review the relationship as such.
The truth is that there was surely a good reason why they ended up in the first place.
It is true that he could have been the one who took the step, but it is never something unilateral, there are always two involved.
Maybe it was a lack of trust, maybe the relationship stalled, or maybe your partner didn’t know what to do. There could be deception or betrayal.
It is always better to delve into the reasons for a breakup before making a decision.
Evaluate if it is something they can really overcome and transform.
Only if you are sure of it will there be an opportunity for the relationship.
6) Decide if you want to give the relationship a new chance or not
Now, with a clear picture of your emotions, your ex’s, the problems that caused the breakup and the intentions of each one, you must decide what you really want to do.
This step serves to commit you to what you are choosing and feel responsible and empowered with the situation.
If you choose to return implies a commitment on your part and that you will do everything in your power so that you can reinvent yourself and be happy together.
If you choose to let it go you can’t blame anyone, you know it was the right thing to do in the end.
And if after all you’re still not sure whether or not you want to get back with your ex, then it’s probably best to let him go.
7) If you decide to come back: re-invent yourselves
If you have come this far and you feel that the right thing to do is to be together then, go ahead!
But you can’t expect everything to flow and work perfectly if nothing changes.
Going back and doing the same things will lead to the same result, the end of the relationship.
You must truly commit to creating that ideal relationship for both of you, where you feel like, share, can be yourself and enjoy.
They need to change and increase their commitment to change. Change is what can give the relationship a new lease.
And a key point here is that if someone felt hurt in the relationship, they have to be truly able to put the past behind them. There is no possibility of reconciliation when grudges are held.
8) Ensure that strong and effective communication is established
There are 2 types of people: those who overlook the need to talk to each other and those who don’t. To be successful, it is necessary to establish a relationship of trust, explain what happens, realize problems and look for solutions. And not only now but establish it as a habit within the couple.
If there is no solid communication, there is no relationship, and if there is no relationship, there is no opportunity for reconciliation.
Establishing a relationship of trust and understanding is very important and necessary to be able to be happy together.
9) If you decide to move on, work on yourself
Separating from someone implies a great need for adaptation.
You stop having the other to share and do things together and suddenly you find yourself with many empty spaces.
The most important thing, again, is that you reconnect with yourself.
There is no other person who can make you happy more than yourself.
Being alone for a long time has taught me to own situations, not to blame others for what happens and really to know myself and know what I want. It’s a great opportunity.
So instead of plunging into sadness, start seeing the possibilities in front of you.
- Were there things you didn’t do and wanted when you were in a couple?
- What activities did you not have time for?
- What foods did you avoid because he didn’t like them?
Give yourself those desires that you avoided when you were in a couple and you will see that nothing is bad by itself at the end of the day. It is you who decides what to do with this reality.
10) No regrets
Whatever decision you make, you must own it and accept it, without regrets, without feelings of guilt.
There are 4 laws of Indian spirituality, which I always turn to when I go through situations like these.
- The person who arrives is the right person. It implies that no one arrives by chance, every person who appears on our path has something to show us or teach us.
- What happens is the only thing that could have happened. Nothing that happens could have happened otherwise, once you make a decision that is the only possibility. There is no such thing: what would have happened if…
- Any time it starts is the right time. Life is perfect and things happen only at the right time, because you are prepared or because it is the right time for your own evolution.
- When something ends, it ends. There are cycles that begin and end and this instance is when you have already learned what you had to learn. It’s time to move forward.
Getting back with your ex after he was with someone else
Some say that this is not a good idea unless the two are in the same situation.
But it is a decision that in the end, you must make from your heart. Maybe your ex-boyfriend rushed to start another relationship and realized he wasn’t the right person, or he just had a fleeting attraction and it reminded him of how much he wanted you.
The important thing here is that you are clear about whether or not you can leave behind the fact that he has been with someone else. Really be honest with yourself and know that it is something that will not haunt you if you get back together.
On the other hand, if it has been a long time since they broke up, it is likely that both are no longer the same person.
Perhaps the origin of their differences is something that no longer exists in the present and things could change a lot.
It’s always a good idea to give things time, get back together, have a coffee, see if they really connect from that intimate level, and trust what your intuition tells you.
Can you be friends with your ex?
We have already agreed that ruptures are a sensitive issue. Each person has a different way of processing things.
The truth is that if a person has been your partner, there were feelings involved.
Love existed and even if things didn’t work out as you expected, you can’t help but feel appreciation for that person.
Maybe they got along very well but they were incompatible.
They may have ended up on good terms and you may wonder, should we remain friends?
As you can imagine, there is no right answer here. But rather a depends…
You’ll need to evaluate things like:
- They were friends before they were a couple
- How long it been since they separated
- Whether they remained in contact after the breakup
- How do you feel when you are in contact with him?
- What if he has a partner again and you are his friend?
All these points are key when thinking about whether you could be with him in “friend” mode and nothing more.
Personally, I think it is possible to maintain a cordial relationship with your ex, they can be for each other if they need something and greet each other from time to time.
But the truth is that going from love to friendship is a winding road. It could lead to confusion, and extend the pain if either of you is hopeful. Communication comes back into play, as long as things are discussed and clear everything can be tried.
And at the same time, there are many cases of ex-partners who meet for coffee from time to time and enjoy their transformed bond.
At the end of the day, you are the only one who knows what is best for you. Do your inner work and the answers will be there.