We all know that falling in love with a married man is dangerous territory to venture into.
If he can lie to his wife, he can just as easily lie to you
That’s why when you’re in love with a married man, there are certain truths you need to hear.
Below, we’ll name the 17 classic lies of a man who has married his mistress. Some you may know, and some will surprise you.
What a married man will tell you and why it’s probably a lie
1) I’m leaving my wife
The mother of all lies, which married men will tell their lovers, is that they plan to leave their wives.
In fact, a survey on cheating behavior found that less than 20% of men plan to separate, due to the affair.
Even for those who do consider it, thinking about leaving them and actually doing it are two very different things.
For every uncommon story, you may hear about a man who left his wife, there are plenty of other women waiting endlessly for a committed man.
A survey by Women’s Health found that only 13.7% of women who had an affair with a married man ended up being with him
If you’ve had fantasies about him marrying you someday, then that’s an even bleaker possibility. Dr. Jan Halper, in her book on successful men, says it’s so rare, that only 3% of men end up marrying their mistresses.
2) I’ve never done this before
We all want to feel special, and when a man tells us we are, we are understandably quick to fall in love.
Statistics on cheating show that. about 50 to 60% of married men will have extramarital sex, at some point in their relationships.
But the thing is, most cheaters are repeat offenders.
Any wife who discovers that her husband is having an affair is likely to wonder if she will do it again. And at the same time, mistresses will probably be thinking the same thing.
Apparently, cheaters are much more likely to be unfaithful again than someone who has never cheated.
This means that, if he says you’re the first and you believe him, then there’s still a good chance you won’t be the last.
3) It’s not about sex
There’s no denying that people who commit adultery do it for all sorts of reasons
But at the top of the list is unmet sexual desire or needs.
Men are more likely to seek sex from an affair, unlike women, who are trying to fill an emotional void.
It’s not always easy for a woman to know if she is only wanted for her body
But if most of the time you meet, you just sleep together, then what you are having is sex, not a relationship.
It doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings for you, but it also doesn’t mean you have a commitment.
Ultimately, what you are not doing as a couple, is meeting his friends and family or going out together in public.
4) I no longer have sex with my wife
About 15% of married couples have almost no sex, that is couples who have not had sex in the last 6 months to a year.
This means that the vast majority of married couples are having sex, even if it’s not often.
You’re never going to know what’s going on behind his bedroom doors
do you really think he’s going to tell you if he had sex with his wife?
After all, how would you find out and why would he risk angering or upsetting you by telling you the truth about it?
5) I can’t leave her because of the kids
Family life is complicated and having children is a big factor.
She might be afraid of losing her children, or of the impact of separation and divorce on them
But you could also be using it as an excuse not to leave.
In fact, there is evidence that, in the long run, divorce may be better for the children if the parents are incompatible or argue a lot
Despite short-term problems, the vast majority of children recover after one or two years.
Additionally, research has shown that parental infidelity can be detrimental to children.
Feelings of betrayal and the impact on their own attitudes toward love, relationships and trust are some of the consequences.
6) I no longer love my spouse
Let’s face it, love can be complicated, it changes over time and goes through different stages.
So, it is safe to assume that a married man at some point loved his wife. After all, he walked down the aisle with her.
Feelings of love do not disappear overnight.
Even if he himself is convinced that his feelings are over, countless men have realized what they have lost and have come running back to their wives later.
He may say he doesn’t love her, but the reality is not that simple.
7) The marriage ended long before he met you
If it were true that the marriage ended long before they met, then why is he still with her?
Some men are cowards and look for an escape from their relationship because they don’t have the courage to leave her for good.
Even if he’s been in a dead-end marriage for many years, it’s worth asking yourself: what kind of man would stay in such a miserable relationship?
Although he could also be lying, telling you that the marriage was already failing, because he knows that sounds better.
Plus, it makes him look less guilty about the infidelity he’s committing.
8) My marriage is unhappy
Feeling unsatisfied in your marriage is clearly a contributing factor to men cheating. But, in general, this is an oversimplification.
what does being unhappy encompass?
For example, is boredom a good enough reason?
how about feeling slighted?
Because these are also reasons why people have affairs and they are also reasons to feel unhappy in a relationship
But is it really a good reason?
Marriage takes work, and if both parties don’t put in their work, couples can end up splitting up.
The idea that a marriage is unhappy right now maybe only part of a much bigger picture
It is perfectly possible to find happiness and satisfaction in your relationship again, if you are committed and willing to make the effort.
Telling you that he is unhappy in his marriage is a cop-out, because he has a choice
He can either do something about his unhappiness or walk away
However, he is not doing that either.
9) I didn’t mean to cheat, it just happened
You may not have planned it, but sleeping with someone is rarely a completely spontaneous event
In reality, you have allowed or even created the conditions for your affair to take place.
Saying that you didn’t intend for it to happen is a way of avoiding responsibility and blame
That way, you can still feel that you are a good person and a sort of innocent victim of Cupid’s arrow.
In reality, there is usually a much slower erosion of trust and intimacy in your marriage. Followed by a conscious crossing of the boundaries that led to the affair.
He is not an innocent bystander. He made a decision
Many other men may have had reasons or opportunities to be unfaithful, but they made a different decision.
10) He loves you
If he tells you he loves you, he most likely does so with a lustful sense.
This triggers a rush of feel-good hormones that flood your body in the first wave of romance
These early stages can be intoxicating.
According to Business Insider:
“Research shows a link between strong feelings of love and increased levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, in the brain. This tells us that the rewards are coming. The same chemical is released in response to other sources of pleasure as well. This explains the feeling of “euphoria” that new lovers often experience.”
Real love is not a fleeting feeling and requires much more than initial ecstasy
Falling in love may be easy, but staying that way is not.
Lasting love is built on firm foundations of trust, honesty and commitment
These are things he is not giving you, because he is in a relationship with someone else.
11) My wife is crazy
This lie can come in many subtly different forms, but at their core they are all the same.
You can say “my wife is crazy”, “my wife is a total bitch”, “my wife is completely unreasonable”, etc.
The theme is always, poor me, look what I have to deal with. It makes her the villain and justifies her behavior.
You should be wary of the man whose partner or ex is “crazy,” because research has shown that opposites do not attract.
If she really is as bad as he suggests she is, why is he still with her?
Wait, let me guess: he has another excuse for that, right?
They may even go so far as to make you believe that saving him from a terrible situation is some sort of noble cause.
12) I can’t afford to get divorced
It’s true that separating has certain financial consequences, but it’s still a very bad excuse.
Realistically, if he was that unhappy and wanted to be with you, this would not be a deciding factor.
A man who really wants out of his marriage would.
In fact, studies have found that divorce makes men, and particularly fathers, significantly wealthier.
In the Guardian, research showed that when a father separates from the mother of his children, his disposable income increases by about a third
Whereas, when a man leaves a childless marriage, his income increases by 25%.
As family consultant Ruth Smallacombe explains:
“The general belief that men get ripped off by their divorces, while women get richer and live off the proceeds, has long been exposed as a pernicious myth. In reality, women often suffer financial hardship, when they divorce.”
13) I would never cheat on you
Unfortunately, the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” carries some scientific weight.
If you cling to the idea that his transgressions with you are unique circumstances, then think again.
In 2017, a study specifically looked at infidelity in a previous relationship as a risk factor for infidelity in a subsequent relationship.
The results showed that cheating on your partner, meant someone was three times more likely to cheat again in their next relationship.
The fact that your married man cheats on his wife significantly increases the likelihood that he will do the exact same thing to you in the future.
14) My feelings for you won’t change
It’s easy to desire something that feels new and fresh.
As the mistress, we are the forbidden fruit. We are someone other than his wife, and that fuels the strong sense of desire.
But what happens when you are no longer “unattainable.”
are you really sure that his feelings won’t change for you then?
The fact that you are not his wife is probably what excites him
But when something becomes familiar, you don’t want it as much as you did in the beginning.
15) You mean more to me than she does
If you really meant more to him than his wife, he would be with you and not her.
She is a permanent feature in his life
His wife knows his family, his friends and 1001 intimate details about him
She lives under the same roof as him, they share a life together and he goes to her house at night.
You only have moments with him, you have to sleep alone at night and you can’t get caught with him on the street.
does that sound like a balance where you are more important than his wife?
Words are very easy to say, but deeds are another matter
16) All that really matters is that we love each other
In the movie of our own lives, we are the center of the Universe. However, in real life, it’s not that simple.
Love conquers all and mutual love is all that matters, right?
Unfortunately, reality is not like that.
Other things matter too. Other people’s feelings matter too. The consequences of our actions matter too. Respect and decency matter too.
The reality is that studies have shown that infidelity is often harmful and generates psychological distress, both for those who commit infidelity and for their partners.
We may like to think that the most important thing is how we feel about someone, but in the real world there is much more to it than that.
17) We’ll be together properly, when I leave her
Many lovers hold out for so long, because they truly believe that someday they will finally be together.
But statistics show that this rarely happens
Most affairs are short term.
In an overview of the Zur Institute’s infidelity research, it was found that most infidelities don’t go beyond the “falling in love” phase.
This is something that has been backed up by numerous studies, which agree that most affairs don’t last long.
So how long do affairs generally last?
25% of them last less than a week
65% last less than six months
10% last longer than six months
Even if they are one of the few that last longer, according to marriage counselor Frank Pittman, men who marry their mistresses have a divorce rate of up to 75%.
This means that the future you’re looking forward to may not even exist.
Why do married men lie?
If a married man is having an affair, chances are he is prepared to lie to save his own skin and satisfy his needs
This may sound cold and calculating, but the reality is that he is lying to his wife, so he is also capable of lying to you.
Also, the reason untangling the lies from the truth in an affair can be so difficult is because he is probably lying to himself as well. And, most likely, you’re lying to yourself as well.
why? Because the truth can be incredibly inconvenient and uncomfortable.
We don’t always like the harsh reality of the truth. This causes us to choose to believe a more palatable lie.
The reason a married man can so easily make you believe the long list of lies he tells you is because you want to believe him.
We want it to be true, even if there are signs that a married man is using you
We prefer to look for those signs that a married man is in love with you. But I encourage you to rethink it better again
This is a relationship that will not lead to the happy ending you deserve.
Besides, you are only extending the agony for yourself
At some point you will have to sever the relationship and you will probably suffer through it
don’t you think it’s better sooner rather than later?
Take charge of your life and choose someone who will give you what you’re really looking for.